Category Archives: The Longing..

The longing

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That writing on the grave removed the shroud from her memories…

Every moment came  alive and flashed through her mind as if it was just yesterday………………………………………………………………….

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That was the day when she first saw him…………..

A beautiful day was just over. The sun was going down, after spreading colors in the horizon, paving way for the night when the world of her dreams would come alive, that will turn into hopes when the next morning steps in…

There was something special about that day. she felt her heart beating faster . Something she felt….. something different was there…she knew something is going to happen that day……

And it did…..

The setting sun blessed her life with hues that day. the day she always longed for, had dawned. Her prince charming swayed into her life. He was charm personified, and had the looks to die for

That day she felt her prayers have been answered. He was the one she always dreamed of spending the rest of her life with. luck had smiled at her. She glowed with happiness. glow on her face, glint in eyes and smile on her lips.. That’s what dreams are made of.. and she too was busy weaving the strings of one…

Her life was going to change. This day was going to add a new chapter to her life. Winds of change had taken over

It was a river of hopes. She just flowed into and kept moving with it.. on and on…..  Unaware of the rocks that lay  hidden in that river. The rocks against which the fragile dreams crash and die…

And those rocks were going to strike her any moment now…

Days turned to  months and hearts got fonder.Another beautiful morning was born. She was happy that day. He wished to meet her. Holding on to her racing hear she waited for sunset, for the evening, which was going to be a part of the many special evenings they spent together, when they loved and rejoiced like there is no tomorrow….

It was the same place where their love blossomed…

That huge mahogany tree stood a witness to their love… to her wait and his promises.

He held her hand but she did not feel the warmth. his hands were cold

.His eyes glowed and dimmed in a flash. It was not the same glow that he always had when he saw her . Something was missing.. What was it..?

She stood there with an apprehension for the unknown, unseen, uncertain.. which dimmed out the glow from her eyes too

“I will long for your hand my dear” ,he said with a faint smile. “I hope I will hold it in mine one day.. and our hands would be locked together, forever…wait for me. Next spring we will be together….”

Something within her broke.. was he going away from her?

She couldn’t speak a word , just stared at him with blank eyes. He  was not going alone ,he was carrying away with him a part of her life.. and   perhaps her future too..

He kissed her goodbye and rode into darkness which took him miles and miles away from her.. to a distant land. Giving her the gift of wait that she had to cherish till he was back.

For long her eyes kept staring at the trail and the cloud of dust left behind,  knowing not whats gonna happen next..

But that cloud failed to dim her hopes. She knew she would feel that touch ,that warmth that magic again. She was waiting to be enchanted once again….

She knew he will be back……………………………..

Then the wait started and her agony too. Days turned into years, winters to summers,  autumn to spring, ,but nothing changed for her

She remembered his parting words time and again..  “I’ will be back”, the magic in these words made her come alive once again.. alive to start another day of endless wait.. “I will.. be back”…she gave her whole life to this one promise.. She kept waiting for another evening, another spring that will bring him back to her.

But that spring never came.. She was not destined to see the spring. .Autumn in her life had come to stay…forever and ever..

Another day, another pain.. The morning sun brought with it many chapters of life but a new page never unfolded

Time…”.The healer ”,as they say, kept passing, but it healed no wound, alleviated no pain.. Each breath she took deepened that pain more and more .His words which were once like music to her ears had now turned coarse. They still rang in her ears but their sweetness was lost . His words, his promises, his memories cut her through so deep……………………

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It was a warm morning. She woke up to another day of  hopes and wait

She heard people talking in hushed tones

A  word was spread that he was coming back.

Was he? back to her? Back to  her   world?

She was ecstatic….

Will the years of sorrow, agony, pain and loneliness be rewarded? Was he back?

Yes, he was…….at last………Back to her, with her, for her……….

He kept his promise…

Amid crowds and crowds…she tried to catch a glimpse of him, dying to see that charm which once kindled the fame of love in her heart years ago..

There he was,  ,right in front of her. But this time he failed to ignite that love.

Rather her whole world came crashing down on her.

He was there … but sealed up in a box….

His love ,his promises all sealed up inside that box of wood.. and so was her future..

Perhaps this was the reward for her years of longing and pain

God, they say He cares…perhaps he did but she failed to understand this form of care…..and could not dare to question Him either..

She turned back dragging herself somehow. Back to  her “life” again..if it could be called life. But she was back,  carrying the burden of that wait once again in her eyes ,with questions unanswered. At least she deserved a last goodbye…

That last goodbye was her debt on him.

She was left to carry that agony with her till. she lived

Lived?…..or covered the distance in this journey of life day by day, bit by bit, waiting   for the time that would put an end to this journey one day…and to this agonizing pain too. Another wait had started for her…

Days kept passing. After three months one day  she gathered up courage to meet him at his grave. She wanted to feel the peace that he lay in, after storming up her life, and ask him why he did this to her..

With hands shivering, she put a white rose there, and her eyes stopped on the epitaph. which  read.., “I die longing for your hand”

Every emotion stormed up inside her.. she was happy, sad, relieved? no words could define that emotion..

“He did not betray me”…Tears rolled down her eyes which eased out her pain a bit..

The meaning of those words on the grave ,no one could get but her

These words, that one sentence fetched a respect for her years of  suffering ,and for her tearful journey . It answered all her questions,

Did it ?Did it really answer all her questions? Was it the real answer? The one she longed all her life to find??

Did it answer the questioning eyes of people that she faced for years.. which made her lower hers as if she had committed a sin.She had been living with this sin all her life. The tears washed away a lot out of her life but they could not wash away this sin . She felt a fulfillment but she was not complete. A void was still there. The void left by that sin.

She sought redemption…

She decided to visit that land that strangled her dreams. She wanted to know what exactly happen  there, why he never came back alive.

There was much more that was lost in that faraway land. Her world , her dreams, her hopes, her youth, her future, her whole life. That land owed her it all. And it must return it back to  her……..

Another warm autumn day was about to be over.With the setting sun,she set her feet on that land…with hopes and fears in her heart.. not knowing which one would emerge stronger

Which one of these would she hold on to. Which one would win? Her hopes or her fears ?

But she was there ,trying to collect bits and pieces of her dreams in that distant land

Will this land return back to her all  that she lost here?

Will the setting sun start another chapter as it did years ago?

She was yet to see it…………

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The longing..II (redemption)

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With a mind full of thoughts..she dragged herself slowly towards a small park..

Sitting on a bench she re-lived her life with him all over again..in her thoughts. Day turned to dusk, lost in her thoughts, standing on the side of a narrow country road suddenly she realized where she was. Her thoughts turned back to the present and questioned her  “What next” ? Where next from here?? Where would she go next… She had no answer to it..

“May I help you cross the road lady”, a deep husky voice rang into her ears, and before she could utter a word she was on the other side of the road with the stranger holding her hand firmly. All she could do till now was stare at him. She couldn’t take her eyes off him. He was a young man of about 20-22, tall handsome..and that familiarity, resemblance..stirred up her thoughts again. It was him. But how could it be him. Wasn’t he..? Why is God doing this to me.Why cant I let those clutches of memories off me. Soon she shifted her mind from emotions to logic., gathered up her senses and muttered, “Thank you..”.. “My pleasure” , he said softly with a smile.. “But do you mind me asking what brings you here? Never seen you in this town before”  “Ah..a relative”..after a pause  she spoke up engrossed in thoughts.. “ I Have come to visit some distant relatives..Thanks..May God bless u”..He gave her a smile and took her leave. She stood there watching him going away and melting into the dusk………

She spent that night at the house of an elderly lady whose reference she had from an old friend before she started from home. Next morning  she went to visit the local church. After the prayers she came and sat outside in the yard thinking of the last night’s chance meeting with that stranger and also about where and how to go about her search for which she was here.Then suddenly she caught the glimpse of that young man again. Fixing her gaze in that direction she tried to recognize him and by that time saw him moving towards her smiling as always..and before she could gather up her strayed thoughts he was right in front of her.. “Greeting ma’am”..he spoke up  softly. “ Here we are again. Life is a string of co-incidences. Isnt it? Plan to move around the town today? It’s a beautiful place with interesting places to visit and yes, even nicer people”..he said jokingly..I am sure you would have a great stay here”… “Oh yes”,she  said .. “Nice place..it is”..,with a faint smile, but this time this smile reflected in her eyes..

Days went on and she went on to see that young man more often.These meetings made her know that his name was Mark. He worked at the mines there, and was in love with a village girl, Martha. Their love was facing hurdles as Mark was a poor man,and with his petty job he could never afford a house to live in for him n Martha. So they never knew if they ll ever get married or not.But still they were happy together spending each day as if there’s no tomorrow.She saw their love blossom..which was so close to her own..Mark and Martha were just like them in their prime..bubbly,vivacious, fun-loving and so deeply in love..their love for each other made her forget her pain… and also her purpose for a moment..

Days went on..then one day she met Mark and spoke of her purpose .She told him who she came here looking for..

Mark dint seemed much surprised and with an ambiguous smile he said.. “So you are here at last??”.. She couldn’t understand what he meant.. “Yes..but….”   “Don’t be surprised ma’am”, he interrupted..”not only me but the whole town knows it.come with me…..”

He took her to an old house..it was a huge house almost like a mansion,in the outskirts of town..it seemed as if the house was locked from long. Still strangely everything though covered in dust, was in order. Making his way through the things he opened a big wooden box. Heres the treasure he left you. With eyes filled with amazement she stooped down to have a look..The box was full of letters..a lot of them may be in thousands…addressed to her. “That day he was finally going back to meet his people, to meet you and bring you here..to this house”,he continued, “but destiny had something else in store. The train crashed and so did his dreams.Thats what fate is”, he sighed, “But we all knew you will come here looking for him as that’s what his last words were. The house is more of a monument for people around”.

“So he too waited for me the way I did” ,She murmured and sighed at the cruelty of fate. Tears flowed down her face. She cried and cried. She wanted to cry every tear out as  it had to be the last time she shed tears for him.. She will no longer betray his memories by crying. He deserved something more than her tears and her sighs. He deserved respect and love,which dwelled only in her smiles as he always loved to see her smile..

She smiled, Smiled at the irony of life.

She had already seen the worst, nothing could sadden her now.Nothing more, nothing next.She felt something beyond the worldly things.

Perhaps That’s what we need. Just one moment,one right moment  to purge, unburden and purify the mind and soul, which marks an end to a lifelong of sufferings.What else could she ask for. What was more important than his undying love for her ,it was something beyond life and death, she was happy..happy that she got true love which people crave for all their life. And today she found out what she came here looking for..She felt relieved and smiled. Couldn’t understand why but she was liking this.She was liking being happy..Oh how much she missed it.This smile, this feeling..

She always thought that years of suffering had hardened her..but no she was still that little girl at heart who cried at the drop of a hat. But this girl was learning to smile now and her same memories gave her strength to carry that enchanting smile of hers which once was like a burden to her.

Her next day started with a new spark.the morning sun was different today..instead of the gloom it brought with it for years and years,today it carried rays of relief  and happiness. Mark and Martha  were her first thought of the day.She thought of their innocent love.They showed up outside her house in the morning. With a heavy heart and tears they bid her goodbye. But she shed no tears. All she had anymore now was her smile. “Here’s my parting gift to you both”..she extended an envelope towards them, “I am handing over the abode of my memories to you.Get married and start your life together in this beautiful house”  .With all her heart she blessed and wished them a life full of love and happiness.She gave her all to them. Her dreams, her hopes, her smiles her  emotions and saw her whole world shining in their gleaming eyes. She had gifted them a lifetime of togetherness which she could never get for herself.. and got her world back in return. Their tears of indebtedness and grateful smiles……answered all her questions…was it anything less than redemption..??